remember when 2.....

Lets see where did I leave off, oh yeah I was just getting back from the operating room and the nurses were there..one was checking my temperature, one was readjusting my blood pressure cuff, and two were in the corner of the room talking to each other..I couldn't clearly hear what they were saying but I knew it was about me,and my baby. I asked where is my baby and husband, and they replied "you are going to be just fine, you did great back there."...hmm thank you very much but I asked about my baby not me??? I was about to say this outloud when Warren walked in...lets just say if he had let off a stink bomb those nurses would not have left any faster, closing the door behind them. At this point I must back up and tell you about something that happened on the way to the hospital that morning...I took Warren's hand in the car and said in a very serious tone " If you have to choose me or the baby..pick the baby...if it is life and death, or something like leaving me because he has to be taken somewhere, whatever it is choose the baby, I will be fine." not sure why I did it we were not expecting there to be a problem, but I said it and I meant it!!! Warren walks over to my bed and holds my hand, ask me how I am doing, and then proceeds to tell me that Tyler has a small hole in his back and that they are wanting to transfer him to the NICU at Vanderbilt, by ambulance, he says that he may never walk, he may not have the use of anything from the neck down, but that right now he is moving away in the nursery because they have him all wrapped in gauze (he didn't like it all over him), because some spina bidifa babies are allergic to latex..and they need to cover the hole up in case it is leaking spinal fluid. He then went on to tell me about some of the test and things that were going to be happening when the pediatrician came in,followed by my doctor. I can honestly say that I do not remember much about what they said...and I have a couple theories on that....one I was soo drugged up, I could barely keep my eyes open, two the first thing they said was just because he is moving his arm and legs now does not mean that he will continue to...at that point all I remember is squeezing Warrens hand and crying uncontrollably,and closing my eyes. I still had not held him yet, I still had not even touched him yet. I wanted my baby, I was exhausted, wore out, and in pain...and I wanted my baby! I was moved to a regular room and was told that the ambulance was there to get him, I still had not held him. I asked to hold him, to see him, to smell him, to love on him. I kept getting the answer "in a minute he is still being checked out." They wheeled him into the room in the incubator that he was to travel to Vanderbilt in and they placed him in my arms...and I was over come with emotions. I cried, and cried, I tried to look at him, soak him in, love him, I wanted to see him move, I wanted to see those big brown (his eyes were never blue..he came out with the prettiest brown eyes ever!) eyes that had looked at me over that curtain, but all I could do was cry and say over and over I am sorry I did this too you, I am sorry I did this too you, I am sorry I did this too you, over and over. I got to hold him..umm all of about 5 minutes with everyone looking at and watching me including the ambulance drivers..still wish I had sent everyone out of the room and had I been in a better less drugged state of mind I would have! Because the first moment I got to hold my son was not perfect, was no where close to perfect...it was rushed, sad, and not a tender moment like I had planned and desperately waited for. They took him from me, and left for a hospital an hour away. Warren's parents left and followed the ambulance up there, my dad left to take my siblings home because it was so late, my sister was driving Warren up to Vandy(she had taken a day off college..and had to be back at TN Tech early the next morning...remember this is after midnight by now)...my mom wanted to go with them...but I lost it when they took him and everyone left to watch him be put in the ambulance...and for the first time in a long time all I wanted was my mommy!!! So she stayed behind to help me, I don't think she will ever know how much that meant to me. I think that night I was awake more then asleep even though I was very drugged up, they kept giving me pain medicine but I was determined to get up and moving, because the faster I could get up the faster they would let me go so I could go be with my baby and be there during all those test, and in case he needed surgery, I just wanted to be with my baby. This is really a long story..and I hate to rush it, so I think I will close with me getting up and walking before I needed to, and sitting up waiting on my dr. to make rounds that next morning so I could beg him to let me go....