(*me at Christmas..and looky that is my new way to sit..holding this stupid shoulder bc it hurts all the time..propped on a pillow bc really is there any other way to hold it?? no not for me...I am soready to feel normal again!!! atleast I am finally out of the sling though..there's a positive!!!)
So instead I am going to start with how I feel right now, go from here and try and get some of these thoughts together and more coherent before I dive in...
First off I am tired of this shoulder surgery crap!!! I am tried of not being able to put my own bra on, get completely dressed by myself, put my own hair in a ponytail or my favorite the messy bun!! I am tired of not being able to lift anything, to making it till about 3o'clock then feeling as if my arm is falling off, and having to take my pain meds, that I am trying desperately hard not to take because of a whole other reason...I am tired of kicking around the laundry baskets from room to room bc I can't lift them and having a hard time doing even the simplest of chores bc I have very limited use of my arm..tired of a house that looks like a tornado hit it, and tired of feeling like poo!! And I feel like poo because I still can't sleep, unless it is in the recliner or on the couch with lots of pillows...I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water and honestly on most days just want to cover up my head and stay in the house.
On a more positive note, the hubs and I are talking with another couple about running our first 5k in April...I am so excited. I have never talked about this here but I have tried over and over to get my skinny hubby to help me work out, to be my partner in this, and it has never worked out. By that I mean he has never agreed to do it, his comments are always "I am content with being lazy.." well good for you Mr. you can eat what ever you want and be skinny, well I can't and I have never been skinny (ever I mean it, earliest memory I have is at church, and being told you by an older lady that I would be so pretty if I were not so plump so I should quit eating potatoes..)and I want to be!!!!!!So for him to agree to go through the training and run it with me words can not express how excited I am!!
I have always been the big girl, ok maybe a better way to describe myself is the funny fat girl. I was funny because I thought I had to be to have friends and such. I really truly thought that was the only reason people hung out with me, if I was funny I had no room to cry, or be sad, or even think about how big I was/am. You see I am talking about this like it is in the past, well its not! I am still the big girl, I am still the funny fat girl...guess what I am tired of being the funny fat girl!! I would love to try on the funny skinny girl that is comfortable in her own skin.
I know I embarrassed my parents, sister, grandparents. I feel like an embarrassment, a failure, it is hard for me to describe how I feel about myself...I am not blaming anyone here because I am the one to blame, but being called Shamu, chubby, fatty, and constantly being told to lose weight did not help matters. I can not describe it, I can not explain how I feel about it...all I know is I am tired of being an embarrassment, tired of thinking there is nothing I can do this is my life, I am tired of pushing myself to work my butt off and losing nothing!!!not one pound!! that is what happened 2 summers ago, went to the gym 5 days a week, watched what I ate, only drank water...so on and so forth for what....nothing!!! I didn't even drop a size in clothes, my work out partner did she lost almost 25 lbs and a sz in clothes...me nothing nada all I did was improve my endurance and prove to myself that I could do an hr on the elliptical and not die..hahaha!
I want to teach my children about living healthy, I want my daughter to be happy in her own skin, I want them both to have the confidence I never had. I want them to have a mother they can be proud of. I want my hubby to have a wife he can be proud of, he loves me no matter what, I mean he married me knowing I was a big girl, but he deserves better!!
This post is negative and I am sorry for that because that is not my style, but that is my thoughts today...and no it is not a poor pitiful me kinda feeling, it is a sick and tired kinda of feeling!!! Ready for a change and trying to figure out how to do it...so sorry for negativity and know we will be back to our regularly scheduled blog post tomorrow!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
It's all about me......
So where do I start with my story?? All I can think of right now is that song from the " The Sound of Music" ... (MHMM clearing my throat)......Let's start at the very beginning, the beginning is a very good place to start...
The only problem with that is, well I am not sure what beginning I want to start with??
(*me at Christmas..and looky that is my new way to sit..holding this stupid shoulder bc it hurts all the time..propped on a pillow bc really is there any other way to hold it?? no not for me...I am soready to feel normal again!!! atleast I am finally out of the sling though..there's a positive!!!)
So instead I am going to start with how I feel right now, go from here and try and get some of these thoughts together and more coherent before I dive in...
First off I am tired of this shoulder surgery crap!!! I am tried of not being able to put my own bra on, get completely dressed by myself, put my own hair in a ponytail or my favorite the messy bun!! I am tired of not being able to lift anything, to making it till about 3o'clock then feeling as if my arm is falling off, and having to take my pain meds, that I am trying desperately hard not to take because of a whole other reason...I am tired of kicking around the laundry baskets from room to room bc I can't lift them and having a hard time doing even the simplest of chores bc I have very limited use of my arm..tired of a house that looks like a tornado hit it, and tired of feeling like poo!! And I feel like poo because I still can't sleep, unless it is in the recliner or on the couch with lots of pillows...I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water and honestly on most days just want to cover up my head and stay in the house.
On a more positive note, the hubs and I are talking with another couple about running our first 5k in April...I am so excited. I have never talked about this here but I have tried over and over to get my skinny hubby to help me work out, to be my partner in this, and it has never worked out. By that I mean he has never agreed to do it, his comments are always "I am content with being lazy.." well good for you Mr. you can eat what ever you want and be skinny, well I can't and I have never been skinny (ever I mean it, earliest memory I have is at church, and being told you by an older lady that I would be so pretty if I were not so plump so I should quit eating potatoes..)and I want to be!!!!!!So for him to agree to go through the training and run it with me words can not express how excited I am!!
I have always been the big girl, ok maybe a better way to describe myself is the funny fat girl. I was funny because I thought I had to be to have friends and such. I really truly thought that was the only reason people hung out with me, if I was funny I had no room to cry, or be sad, or even think about how big I was/am. You see I am talking about this like it is in the past, well its not! I am still the big girl, I am still the funny fat girl...guess what I am tired of being the funny fat girl!! I would love to try on the funny skinny girl that is comfortable in her own skin.
I know I embarrassed my parents, sister, grandparents. I feel like an embarrassment, a failure, it is hard for me to describe how I feel about myself...I am not blaming anyone here because I am the one to blame, but being called Shamu, chubby, fatty, and constantly being told to lose weight did not help matters. I can not describe it, I can not explain how I feel about it...all I know is I am tired of being an embarrassment, tired of thinking there is nothing I can do this is my life, I am tired of pushing myself to work my butt off and losing nothing!!!not one pound!! that is what happened 2 summers ago, went to the gym 5 days a week, watched what I ate, only drank water...so on and so forth for what....nothing!!! I didn't even drop a size in clothes, my work out partner did she lost almost 25 lbs and a sz in clothes...me nothing nada all I did was improve my endurance and prove to myself that I could do an hr on the elliptical and not die..hahaha!
I want to teach my children about living healthy, I want my daughter to be happy in her own skin, I want them both to have the confidence I never had. I want them to have a mother they can be proud of. I want my hubby to have a wife he can be proud of, he loves me no matter what, I mean he married me knowing I was a big girl, but he deserves better!!
This post is negative and I am sorry for that because that is not my style, but that is my thoughts today...and no it is not a poor pitiful me kinda feeling, it is a sick and tired kinda of feeling!!! Ready for a change and trying to figure out how to do it...so sorry for negativity and know we will be back to our regularly scheduled blog post tomorrow!!!
(*me at Christmas..and looky that is my new way to sit..holding this stupid shoulder bc it hurts all the time..propped on a pillow bc really is there any other way to hold it?? no not for me...I am soready to feel normal again!!! atleast I am finally out of the sling though..there's a positive!!!)
So instead I am going to start with how I feel right now, go from here and try and get some of these thoughts together and more coherent before I dive in...
First off I am tired of this shoulder surgery crap!!! I am tried of not being able to put my own bra on, get completely dressed by myself, put my own hair in a ponytail or my favorite the messy bun!! I am tired of not being able to lift anything, to making it till about 3o'clock then feeling as if my arm is falling off, and having to take my pain meds, that I am trying desperately hard not to take because of a whole other reason...I am tired of kicking around the laundry baskets from room to room bc I can't lift them and having a hard time doing even the simplest of chores bc I have very limited use of my arm..tired of a house that looks like a tornado hit it, and tired of feeling like poo!! And I feel like poo because I still can't sleep, unless it is in the recliner or on the couch with lots of pillows...I feel like I am barely keeping my head above the water and honestly on most days just want to cover up my head and stay in the house.
On a more positive note, the hubs and I are talking with another couple about running our first 5k in April...I am so excited. I have never talked about this here but I have tried over and over to get my skinny hubby to help me work out, to be my partner in this, and it has never worked out. By that I mean he has never agreed to do it, his comments are always "I am content with being lazy.." well good for you Mr. you can eat what ever you want and be skinny, well I can't and I have never been skinny (ever I mean it, earliest memory I have is at church, and being told you by an older lady that I would be so pretty if I were not so plump so I should quit eating potatoes..)and I want to be!!!!!!So for him to agree to go through the training and run it with me words can not express how excited I am!!
I have always been the big girl, ok maybe a better way to describe myself is the funny fat girl. I was funny because I thought I had to be to have friends and such. I really truly thought that was the only reason people hung out with me, if I was funny I had no room to cry, or be sad, or even think about how big I was/am. You see I am talking about this like it is in the past, well its not! I am still the big girl, I am still the funny fat girl...guess what I am tired of being the funny fat girl!! I would love to try on the funny skinny girl that is comfortable in her own skin.
I know I embarrassed my parents, sister, grandparents. I feel like an embarrassment, a failure, it is hard for me to describe how I feel about myself...I am not blaming anyone here because I am the one to blame, but being called Shamu, chubby, fatty, and constantly being told to lose weight did not help matters. I can not describe it, I can not explain how I feel about it...all I know is I am tired of being an embarrassment, tired of thinking there is nothing I can do this is my life, I am tired of pushing myself to work my butt off and losing nothing!!!not one pound!! that is what happened 2 summers ago, went to the gym 5 days a week, watched what I ate, only drank water...so on and so forth for what....nothing!!! I didn't even drop a size in clothes, my work out partner did she lost almost 25 lbs and a sz in clothes...me nothing nada all I did was improve my endurance and prove to myself that I could do an hr on the elliptical and not die..hahaha!
I want to teach my children about living healthy, I want my daughter to be happy in her own skin, I want them both to have the confidence I never had. I want them to have a mother they can be proud of. I want my hubby to have a wife he can be proud of, he loves me no matter what, I mean he married me knowing I was a big girl, but he deserves better!!
This post is negative and I am sorry for that because that is not my style, but that is my thoughts today...and no it is not a poor pitiful me kinda feeling, it is a sick and tired kinda of feeling!!! Ready for a change and trying to figure out how to do it...so sorry for negativity and know we will be back to our regularly scheduled blog post tomorrow!!!
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1 comment:
aw friend, i could have written this post. just put in leg for shoulder. I even had the same comment said to me at church. or the "You're so pretty, but you would be even prettier if you lost some weight" "You have such a pretty face"
Probably the only time it would be okay to lay the smack down mid church service.
Hug and good luck with the training!
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