butterflies and bullfrogs....

My children differ in more ways then just their gender.

Tyler doesn't like chocolate candy...Emily Klair loves it!!

Tyler loves sports...Emily Klair enjoys them but could live without them!!

Tyler is soo not a dare-devil...Emily Klair seems to have no fear!!

Tyler is very independent....Emily Klair not so much..she needs us much more!!

Tyler school comes very easy to him....Emily Klair not so much!!

The list could go on and on!!

Even though for the most part they are as different as butterflies and bullfrogs..they are still my beautiful, tenderhearted, sweet, kind, loving, best kiddos in the world and I am soo proud of them!!

*another difference..Tyler wants his hair longer and EK keeps going shorter....I will have to get more updated pics on here...EK's hair is above her shoulders now and Ty 's is still long but did get a good haircut we can now see his ears again..but for the most part it is still long...again different in soo many ways!!

remember when 4...

As we walked into the NICU, I saw a nurse walking around carrying a baby, she was in the very back of the room. I turned to Warren and said there is my baby, he replied with no that is not Tyler that baby has an IV in his head and Tyler's was in his foot yesterday. I then replied with I don't care about that I know that is my baby, and it was. I had only held him for about 5 minutes 3 days ago and it was not perfect and it was certainly not what I had imagined and dreamed of but it was more then enough time to immediately know my child from across a room full of babies...I don't even try to explain it, I don't even try to take credit for it all I know is I knew that was Tyler and nothing was going to stop me from being there with him for anything and everything from here on out! I could not get to him fast enough!!! So all week long I had heard my whole family talk about how nice the nurses were how sweet the staff in the NICU was, how great they had been about leaving them alone and just letting them sit and rock and hold Tyler. Well, I get to the nurse holding my baby and she is nice and offers me my child, I go to sit down and rock him, and that is when she starts, she proceeds to tell me how to check his temperature, how to feed him, tells me I must show her I can change a diaper, on and on she went. I know I was looking at her like she had three heads, I mean really lady leave me alone let me get to know my baby. Finally Warren nicely tells her we have time for all of this but that I had not gotten to see him or be with him more then 5 minutes and she finally leaves us alone. I lost it, I looked around the room and saw some very tiny very sick babies, and it broke my heart. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't pull it together. Soon after my break down they came to get him for his big test and we were banished to the waiting room. The wait was unbearable, I remember sitting there not talking and not joining in on the conversations, just staring or crying, I am sure people thought I was crazy...what can I say I was! I went into the hallway at one time to get some air and move around a little and another mother of a baby in the NICU came up to me, hugged me and told me that her baby had been in there for 5 weeks and it never got any easier to see them all hooked up to tubes and monitors and to hang in there, we also talked about other things that I will keep just between us. It was the sweetest kindest thing and exactly what I needed at the time. Finally someone who understood what I was going through. You see I hadn't told anyone that I was feeling ashamed, guilty, and selfish, I hated my baby being there but I hated even more that I had not had a perfect baby. I know now that it was ok to kinda go through a mourning period and feel all of these emotions but then I just thought of myself as a horrible human being. The time came for the Dr. to tell us what the test had shown and it was great news, he did not need a shunt, he was still moving his arms and legs, and other then missing his L3 and L4 vertebrae, having a small "track" of fibrous tissue that would have to be removed around 8 months old, he had a great chance at a very normal life. On top of that great news he was free to go home with me that day!! He still struggles with things from his spina bidifa occulta, like leg cramps, and having too tight of muscles, having scoliosis, and there is still a very small chance that his piece of "track" that the Dr. couldn't get to in his surgery could get caught on his missing vertebrae and tether his spinal cord paralyzing him, but we know that he is headed for great things.....his story is still unfolding...

remember when 3...

I was sitting in the bed waiting on the Dr. to make rounds the next morning. I was alone, mom had left she had to go to work that day, and I was ready to leave. The Dr. walked in and told me that I could not go. I was devastated, he told me I was in bad shape myself and needed to be monitored here at the hospital. After he left, a nurse came in (pretty much right after he left) and gave me some medicine...lets just say they kept me really drugged up for that whole day. I thank the Dr. for that now..because the next 2 days were hard enough waiting around and wondering about my baby.. Tyler had test after test run, they had put him to sleep a couple times to test him, Warren was with him as much as he could be. Warren got to feed him first, got to change his diapers, got to just sit and rock him, bond with him. On top of every other emotion I had I was jealous, I felt forgotten, I felt disconnected to my husband and to my baby. I did not know everything that was going on and did not know how the NICU was run, I did not realize that Warren and those that were there could only be in the room with Tyler a certain amount of time, and that they had to sit in a waiting room just waiting for the next time to get to see him. I think it was the second day he was in the NICU he was scheduled for a test that day, where they had to put him to sleep, and I was soo unconnected with what was going on, I called Warren that morning on his cell phone, wanting to know how it was going and what the Dr.'s were saying. That would have been fine if it had been 10:00 am, but it was 6:00 am and Warren was still in bed, he was exhausted, taking care of the stuff at Vandy with Tyler then stopping by to see me and let me know how the day had went. He was running on empty to say the least. Him still being in bed and not getting ready to get to the hospital made me furious, I was crazy, I did not understand how he could not be ready already and on his way there...in my defense, I was out of touch with what it was like for him, I was jealous, I was mad at the world, and really I just was hormonal and crazy with the what if's! Finally, the day came that the "BIG" test was going to be performed, they were going to see if he needed a shunt put into his head for spinal fluid build up, I was determined to be at the hospital with him for that. So that morning I was up showered and dressed waiting on the Dr. to make his rounds and informed him I would be discharged that morning so I could be there for my son. Boy I must have been very convincing because he let me go....(convincing or pitiful?? I like to think convincing) Warren came and we were going to go to Vandy together. First off I wanted to get to the hospital to see my baby, what I did not think about was how just being discharged would affect me. They bring the wheelchair into the room and Warren left to pull the car around, as I am being wheeled down the hall, it hit me, I had no baby in my arms, nothing but my bag. To say I lost it is a complete understatement...the poor girl wheeling me out didn't know what to do, or say, looking back I feel more sorry for her..she had to put up with me..hahaha! So off to Vandy we went....That was one of the longest hours of my life, we get to the hospital and it was like I was walking in slow motion, the elevators were conspiring against me I know they were, and then we get to the NICU. I was not quite prepared for it. Warren showed me how to use the phone in the hall to call and ask if we could come in and see Tyler, then get a gown on and then how to wash our hands and then ask again to be allowed in. This last day of our story is a good one so I am going to end it here...with me walking into the NICU for the first time and seeing my son for the first time in 3 days....