remember when 3...

I was sitting in the bed waiting on the Dr. to make rounds the next morning. I was alone, mom had left she had to go to work that day, and I was ready to leave. The Dr. walked in and told me that I could not go. I was devastated, he told me I was in bad shape myself and needed to be monitored here at the hospital. After he left, a nurse came in (pretty much right after he left) and gave me some medicine...lets just say they kept me really drugged up for that whole day. I thank the Dr. for that now..because the next 2 days were hard enough waiting around and wondering about my baby.. Tyler had test after test run, they had put him to sleep a couple times to test him, Warren was with him as much as he could be. Warren got to feed him first, got to change his diapers, got to just sit and rock him, bond with him. On top of every other emotion I had I was jealous, I felt forgotten, I felt disconnected to my husband and to my baby. I did not know everything that was going on and did not know how the NICU was run, I did not realize that Warren and those that were there could only be in the room with Tyler a certain amount of time, and that they had to sit in a waiting room just waiting for the next time to get to see him. I think it was the second day he was in the NICU he was scheduled for a test that day, where they had to put him to sleep, and I was soo unconnected with what was going on, I called Warren that morning on his cell phone, wanting to know how it was going and what the Dr.'s were saying. That would have been fine if it had been 10:00 am, but it was 6:00 am and Warren was still in bed, he was exhausted, taking care of the stuff at Vandy with Tyler then stopping by to see me and let me know how the day had went. He was running on empty to say the least. Him still being in bed and not getting ready to get to the hospital made me furious, I was crazy, I did not understand how he could not be ready already and on his way there...in my defense, I was out of touch with what it was like for him, I was jealous, I was mad at the world, and really I just was hormonal and crazy with the what if's! Finally, the day came that the "BIG" test was going to be performed, they were going to see if he needed a shunt put into his head for spinal fluid build up, I was determined to be at the hospital with him for that. So that morning I was up showered and dressed waiting on the Dr. to make his rounds and informed him I would be discharged that morning so I could be there for my son. Boy I must have been very convincing because he let me go....(convincing or pitiful?? I like to think convincing) Warren came and we were going to go to Vandy together. First off I wanted to get to the hospital to see my baby, what I did not think about was how just being discharged would affect me. They bring the wheelchair into the room and Warren left to pull the car around, as I am being wheeled down the hall, it hit me, I had no baby in my arms, nothing but my bag. To say I lost it is a complete understatement...the poor girl wheeling me out didn't know what to do, or say, looking back I feel more sorry for her..she had to put up with me..hahaha! So off to Vandy we went....That was one of the longest hours of my life, we get to the hospital and it was like I was walking in slow motion, the elevators were conspiring against me I know they were, and then we get to the NICU. I was not quite prepared for it. Warren showed me how to use the phone in the hall to call and ask if we could come in and see Tyler, then get a gown on and then how to wash our hands and then ask again to be allowed in. This last day of our story is a good one so I am going to end it here...with me walking into the NICU for the first time and seeing my son for the first time in 3 days....