remember when 4...

As we walked into the NICU, I saw a nurse walking around carrying a baby, she was in the very back of the room. I turned to Warren and said there is my baby, he replied with no that is not Tyler that baby has an IV in his head and Tyler's was in his foot yesterday. I then replied with I don't care about that I know that is my baby, and it was. I had only held him for about 5 minutes 3 days ago and it was not perfect and it was certainly not what I had imagined and dreamed of but it was more then enough time to immediately know my child from across a room full of babies...I don't even try to explain it, I don't even try to take credit for it all I know is I knew that was Tyler and nothing was going to stop me from being there with him for anything and everything from here on out! I could not get to him fast enough!!! So all week long I had heard my whole family talk about how nice the nurses were how sweet the staff in the NICU was, how great they had been about leaving them alone and just letting them sit and rock and hold Tyler. Well, I get to the nurse holding my baby and she is nice and offers me my child, I go to sit down and rock him, and that is when she starts, she proceeds to tell me how to check his temperature, how to feed him, tells me I must show her I can change a diaper, on and on she went. I know I was looking at her like she had three heads, I mean really lady leave me alone let me get to know my baby. Finally Warren nicely tells her we have time for all of this but that I had not gotten to see him or be with him more then 5 minutes and she finally leaves us alone. I lost it, I looked around the room and saw some very tiny very sick babies, and it broke my heart. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't pull it together. Soon after my break down they came to get him for his big test and we were banished to the waiting room. The wait was unbearable, I remember sitting there not talking and not joining in on the conversations, just staring or crying, I am sure people thought I was crazy...what can I say I was! I went into the hallway at one time to get some air and move around a little and another mother of a baby in the NICU came up to me, hugged me and told me that her baby had been in there for 5 weeks and it never got any easier to see them all hooked up to tubes and monitors and to hang in there, we also talked about other things that I will keep just between us. It was the sweetest kindest thing and exactly what I needed at the time. Finally someone who understood what I was going through. You see I hadn't told anyone that I was feeling ashamed, guilty, and selfish, I hated my baby being there but I hated even more that I had not had a perfect baby. I know now that it was ok to kinda go through a mourning period and feel all of these emotions but then I just thought of myself as a horrible human being. The time came for the Dr. to tell us what the test had shown and it was great news, he did not need a shunt, he was still moving his arms and legs, and other then missing his L3 and L4 vertebrae, having a small "track" of fibrous tissue that would have to be removed around 8 months old, he had a great chance at a very normal life. On top of that great news he was free to go home with me that day!! He still struggles with things from his spina bidifa occulta, like leg cramps, and having too tight of muscles, having scoliosis, and there is still a very small chance that his piece of "track" that the Dr. couldn't get to in his surgery could get caught on his missing vertebrae and tether his spinal cord paralyzing him, but we know that he is headed for great things.....his story is still unfolding...