THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE...

This little light of mine I'm going to let it shine, hide it under am bushel...YES!

I know what your thinking, Yes??? isn't that suppose to say NO?? and you would be right, it is suppose to say NO.

I, however think that I need a break. I have always worked with the teens from church, I have always went to church camp, I have always went to if not planned ladies retreats at church, helped with lads to leaders..and the list could go on and on. I have always been the first one to say YES to everything, even when I did not really want to do it.

Well, this girl is taking a break. I am still doing the commitments I have already signed up for but then after that, NO is going to be my new best friend.

I need to do me for a little while. I don't need to be teaching anyone, or being an example to anyone on anything right now. I am still deciding on church camp because well honestly, I would miss it. If I do go I think I will be asking for a job, like sports staff, or something small, not cabin counselor and Bible teacher like I have been.

I am not struggling with my faith, I know who holds this big world in His hands, I know that all good things come from Him. I know who I love and trust and am clinging to through this very difficult time...but right now I need that relationship, MY relationship with Him to be top priority.

I had a great visit with a good friend the other day and as we were talking she looked at me and said " this whole time, I have heard how your parents are, how the kids are, how everyone is dealing and coping but not once yet have you said anything about you??" She then went on to say, maybe its time to talk about you? Maybe its time to think about you? and in true Kari fashion, I smiled, laughed it off and told her one day.. maybe one day I would. What that friend doesn't know is she helped me more that day then I have been helped this whole time. She said something to me that made me realize it is ok to think about me, and to take care of me.

Now, no worries I am not going to fall apart, I am not going to put me in front of my husband or kids, or my parents,  NEVER. I am going to start thinking about me when I can and I am going to start by saying NO more often. I am going to stop worrying about others feelings before my own.

I have always had a bright light, I have always wanted it to shine so others could see it, but for right now hiding it under a bushel sounds very good to me. I will bring it back out one day, and who knows maybe it will be even brighter?

My sister had one of the biggest lights I ever knew and it is still shining today...her example of faith, courage, strength and love has out shined any I have ever seen. I think on the daily different times if she were here what would she say to me about this or that...I laugh sometimes because I can still hear her say " oh Kar, come on now...you have to do this....its your favorite thing, don't stop because of your sadness..you are good at that ...don't make me kick your tail into doing it.. you are stronger then you know"  She is still pushing me to do stuff because I don't want to disappoint her, she was so strong and brave, honest and true in everything she did. I want to keep her light shining for others in the way that my light shines.... does this even make any sense to anyone but me?? I don't know but I do know that is how I feel, when I want to stop completely I don't because of her, when I want to shut down completely, I don't because of her.

so I am not letting my light get blown out, NO! but hiding it under a bushel for a little while..YES!! and you know what it is ok. I need to work on me, my relationship with Him, and mending my broken heart for a little while. So, if my light seems a little dimmer for a while, let it be...