My heart knows but my head says are you sure??

The kids and I just got back from a wonderful week on the mountain.  This yr I was very hesitate to go back to camp, and if I am being honest here I probably should not have went. I did however go and for the most part had a wonderful time.

Short Mountain Bible camp holds a very special place in my heart. Lots and I do mean lots of wonderful memories made there. I met my hubby on that mountain, when we were only 15, bless his heart! He has had to put up with me for a very long time... funny story about that is, Andrea went a year before I did to this camp, and when she came home she said " Kari I met this guy that was hilarious, he reminded me of you, I think you would of loved him...maybe you will meet him one day because you two would be great friends.." NO JOKE!! She called it, even way back then she knew me better then I knew me.

My children are both campers now, and the memories made are just as sweet as ever. I have had some great girls go through my classes and cabin up there and love to watch them come back as staff the following years and see what God is doing in their lives.

I say I probably should not have been there this year, because lets be honest for a min, I was in no shape to be there. Physically or mentally, I did nothing for those girls this year but take up a spot in a cabin, or on a bench, or a chair in worship.  Tuesday night we had a lesson that touched me, and surprised even me. The reaction I had was overwhelming, and I had to finally be honest with myself.

I am struggling with my faith more then I would like to admit. My heart knows the love of my God, it knows the promises, the hope I have through Jesus's blood, and the truth of all that is written in His word BUT my head is questioning everything! I mean everything I have always just known to be true, everything I have longed for, everything I believed and had faith in.  I am not closing any doors, I am not stopping studying, nor am I giving up!! I am however changed and see things differently, everything about my life is different. I am not running out to find a new church home, or new religion, I am just struggling plan and simply but my heart still knows all the hope, all the promises, and truths but my head says wait a min are you sure about this???

It will work itself out, right? My head will once again be in sync with my heart, right?

How do I say this....

I have found myself asking this question a lot lately... "How do I say this" without sounding ugly, or sounding like I don't care, or without making them think I am really this mean... And the list could go on and on.

Let me start off by saying this, since everything that has went on this yr, my surgery included, I am one  grouchy, short tempered, no filter, mean, and really could careless type of person right now. I try hard not to be, I wake up and say today I am going to be positive! I am going to have nicer things to say and think, and everyday I fail. And fail miserably!!!

I am now allowed to get up and walk so maybe this will help my attitude a bit, maybe I will get back to my old self, soon. I hope so!!! I don't even like this person I have become.

There are lots of things I have learned going through this process, and maybe I will be able to write a post on that here soon....but one of the first things I have learned is this: EVERYONE grieves differently.. There is NO right or wrong way,  there is no time limit.... Simple put there are NO RULES!!

I heard something tonight that made me think , Someone said, how do you learn to live again with a broken heart, a piece missing?   And I immediately thought.. How do I say this, shout this, convey this to the world? Because it summed me up to a tee.... So I am saying it in the only way I know how right now and that is on here. Writing was such a big thing for my sister and for me, so I'm writing it straight out, putting it all out there... Give me some time, let me learn how to navigate this new world with my broken heart, let me get myself figured out because right now I am just here, going through the motions. Be patient with me. Understand, when I'm quiet it's ok, understand when I'm by myself it's ok, understand I am still here just different and forever changed..know that if I snap at you, I truly don't mean it. If I forget something important I normally remember about you, I'm sorry. I'll remember again, someday. Don't take anything to personal from me right now, I don't mean it, negatively.. Just having to remind myself over and over "how do I say this..."

THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE...

This little light of mine I'm going to let it shine, hide it under am bushel...YES!

I know what your thinking, Yes??? isn't that suppose to say NO?? and you would be right, it is suppose to say NO.

I, however think that I need a break. I have always worked with the teens from church, I have always went to church camp, I have always went to if not planned ladies retreats at church, helped with lads to leaders..and the list could go on and on. I have always been the first one to say YES to everything, even when I did not really want to do it.

Well, this girl is taking a break. I am still doing the commitments I have already signed up for but then after that, NO is going to be my new best friend.

I need to do me for a little while. I don't need to be teaching anyone, or being an example to anyone on anything right now. I am still deciding on church camp because well honestly, I would miss it. If I do go I think I will be asking for a job, like sports staff, or something small, not cabin counselor and Bible teacher like I have been.

I am not struggling with my faith, I know who holds this big world in His hands, I know that all good things come from Him. I know who I love and trust and am clinging to through this very difficult time...but right now I need that relationship, MY relationship with Him to be top priority.

I had a great visit with a good friend the other day and as we were talking she looked at me and said " this whole time, I have heard how your parents are, how the kids are, how everyone is dealing and coping but not once yet have you said anything about you??" She then went on to say, maybe its time to talk about you? Maybe its time to think about you? and in true Kari fashion, I smiled, laughed it off and told her one day.. maybe one day I would. What that friend doesn't know is she helped me more that day then I have been helped this whole time. She said something to me that made me realize it is ok to think about me, and to take care of me.

Now, no worries I am not going to fall apart, I am not going to put me in front of my husband or kids, or my parents,  NEVER. I am going to start thinking about me when I can and I am going to start by saying NO more often. I am going to stop worrying about others feelings before my own.

I have always had a bright light, I have always wanted it to shine so others could see it, but for right now hiding it under a bushel sounds very good to me. I will bring it back out one day, and who knows maybe it will be even brighter?

My sister had one of the biggest lights I ever knew and it is still shining today...her example of faith, courage, strength and love has out shined any I have ever seen. I think on the daily different times if she were here what would she say to me about this or that...I laugh sometimes because I can still hear her say " oh Kar, come on now...you have to do this....its your favorite thing, don't stop because of your sadness..you are good at that ...don't make me kick your tail into doing it.. you are stronger then you know"  She is still pushing me to do stuff because I don't want to disappoint her, she was so strong and brave, honest and true in everything she did. I want to keep her light shining for others in the way that my light shines.... does this even make any sense to anyone but me?? I don't know but I do know that is how I feel, when I want to stop completely I don't because of her, when I want to shut down completely, I don't because of her.

so I am not letting my light get blown out, NO! but hiding it under a bushel for a little while..YES!! and you know what it is ok. I need to work on me, my relationship with Him, and mending my broken heart for a little while. So, if my light seems a little dimmer for a while, let it be...

Small things matter...

Got a text this afternoon from Emily Klair's teacher. I have to admit, even though I have never got a negative email, text or anything from any of my children's teachers, my heart still skips a couple beats when I see something from them.  The simple small text made my day.

She wanted to let me know that Emily Klair had found $20, on the ground and without hesitation turned it into her. They had found its owner, and that she was so proud of her and her sweet honesty.

Now, you may say...so what? That's not a big deal. Most kids would turn in the money. And your right it isn't a big deal..its a small thing. I asked EK later if it ever crossed her mind to keep the money. She said, "NO mom, not at all it wasn't mine."

It may be a small thing but it says a lot about the type of child we are raising. She is not a perfect child, she has her share of faults, and she can drive the most patient person crazy, but she is growing into a very honest, mature, young lady.

...everyday victories matter, so today I am choosing to take something positive from today and enjoy all the...small things!!

FOREVER CHANGED....

KEEP FIGHTING, KEEP PRAYING, KEEP LIVING....

 These words are not easy to hear, these words are not easy to see, and more importantly these words are some of the toughest words to accomplish.

I am not fighting for my life, I am not fighting to see my children grow up.  I am not fighting for anything except to breathe some moments, and to put one foot in front of the other.

I am praying, but I am praying differently. I am not saying that I am not talking to God and knowing that he is in control even when we don't understand. I am not saying I am losing my faith BUT I am saying that it is hard to know what to say right now. It is hard to pray...it is hard to remember that He knows what we need before we even ask it. Never in my life has praying been something that is hard for me to do...until now.

I am living, I am back to work, going to ballgames, church, and all activities like normal. I am not normal. I am forever changed. I will never live as I once did. I am trying to live. I am, this is the hardest thing I have lived through.

I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that I would miss her. I knew that seeing her kids, her husband, and my parents miss her would be tough. I really had no clue how hard this was going to be. NO CLUE!!!

I miss her, plain and simple. I think about her all the time. I wish I had one more hour with her. I wish she would come back at me with one of her honest quick remarks that made me laugh and stung just a tad. I wish she was here for her children, my children. I miss just txting to tell her something through out the day. I miss knowing when a midnight showing of a movie came out I would be getting us tickets to go..sharing our popcorn and m&M's... it's simple I miss her!!!

I will keep fighting to put one foot in front of the other, I will keep praying to our God that knows my hurt and sadness better then I do, and I will keep living...forever changed but still living.

Andie lived these words with more grace, more love, more courage then anyone I have ever known. I hope that one day I can live up to her example. She may have been my younger sister but I learned more from her then she ever learned from me.

This blog has not been touched in a year for many different reasons, I am getting back at it because it is good for me. Writing is something that Andie and I both enjoyed...I think getting back to writing it all down is one of the things that will help me get back to truly living and loving...just have to remember everyday no matter what to do these....
KEEP FIGHTING, KEEP PRAYING, AND KEEP LIVING...