FOREVER CHANGED....

KEEP FIGHTING, KEEP PRAYING, KEEP LIVING....

 These words are not easy to hear, these words are not easy to see, and more importantly these words are some of the toughest words to accomplish.

I am not fighting for my life, I am not fighting to see my children grow up.  I am not fighting for anything except to breathe some moments, and to put one foot in front of the other.

I am praying, but I am praying differently. I am not saying that I am not talking to God and knowing that he is in control even when we don't understand. I am not saying I am losing my faith BUT I am saying that it is hard to know what to say right now. It is hard to pray...it is hard to remember that He knows what we need before we even ask it. Never in my life has praying been something that is hard for me to do...until now.

I am living, I am back to work, going to ballgames, church, and all activities like normal. I am not normal. I am forever changed. I will never live as I once did. I am trying to live. I am, this is the hardest thing I have lived through.

I knew it was going to be hard. I knew that I would miss her. I knew that seeing her kids, her husband, and my parents miss her would be tough. I really had no clue how hard this was going to be. NO CLUE!!!

I miss her, plain and simple. I think about her all the time. I wish I had one more hour with her. I wish she would come back at me with one of her honest quick remarks that made me laugh and stung just a tad. I wish she was here for her children, my children. I miss just txting to tell her something through out the day. I miss knowing when a midnight showing of a movie came out I would be getting us tickets to go..sharing our popcorn and m&M's... it's simple I miss her!!!

I will keep fighting to put one foot in front of the other, I will keep praying to our God that knows my hurt and sadness better then I do, and I will keep living...forever changed but still living.

Andie lived these words with more grace, more love, more courage then anyone I have ever known. I hope that one day I can live up to her example. She may have been my younger sister but I learned more from her then she ever learned from me.

This blog has not been touched in a year for many different reasons, I am getting back at it because it is good for me. Writing is something that Andie and I both enjoyed...I think getting back to writing it all down is one of the things that will help me get back to truly living and loving...just have to remember everyday no matter what to do these....
KEEP FIGHTING, KEEP PRAYING, AND KEEP LIVING...